I did not create the ocean, so I certainly wouldn’t be able to give it orders like where it should start or stop. I don’t know how deep it is nor could I name all its living things. As a human I only see what’s in front of me, I only understand the surface.
I used to be a wild thinker/ big dreamer until disappointment and pain crept in. I used to believe and call myself a free spirit until I got caught in the cross fires and became trapped in the burdens of life. I’ve heard the older you get the wiser you become, in my case that saying is wrong.
So far the older I’ve gotten the more I realize how “lost” I am. Confused is kind of an understatement, lol my ahh just don’t know sh*t.
It’s funny but at the same time I feel a lot of pain. It’s not fun when you can’t figure out “how did I even get here”.
In your early twenties you see life differently. For me, my perspective was “up in the clouds”, I mean alll up in there, floating on air. Then you experience something traumatic that never crossed your mind will happen to you and then you realize how “on the ground” or “earthly” you really are. Cut two, now mid twenties hits you and your perspective alters a bit because now you are broken.
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Another realization that you didn’t know you have been subconsciously avoiding but now it has exposed itself to you. Fast forward to your late twenties & now you don’t have a choice but to address them… Cause it’s 2020 and you’re SUPER triggered. The entire world is shut down and in a hot mess/ experiencing growing pains and you’re forced to feel, acknowledge and confront all those other feelings you didn’t even know was laying dormant.
You quick hurry up and try to fix and repair what’s going on inside cause you ain’t trynna feel weak and hopeless forever only to realize you need outside help cause you realize you can’t do it alone even tho you’re “grown” and apparently you’re “supposed to have all your crap together”.
Funny thing is, you have to relive everything from your childhood up until that triggered age just to get back in alignment with… well now you have no idea/ don’t know “with what”.
Now you’re experiencing an identity crisis. Of course I would love to be “thriving” in all areas of life at 28/29 yrs old, knowing exactly who I am and where my life is going but at this point mental health so real I’m just trying to hold on to peace and survive. (On so many levels!! Cause black lives and mental health still matters).
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What I’ve learned and the conclusion I’ve manage to come up with is MY twenties have been my realization era:
- I realize I’m not perfect and perfectionism has been killing my joy and hindering my dreams
- I’ve realized if I knew/ learned about financial literacy earlier I would be better off today
- I realize you can’t think something won’t or can’t happen to you (good or bad) cause life has a very interesting sense of humor
- I realize I am actually human so I need to know my place (& embrace this fact)
- I realize I’m not God of my life so therefore I was never in charge to begin with
And finally I realized how much UNDOING and HEALING that needs to take place or else I’ll never “get there.”
I’m currently working on believing God that everything actually does work together for my good, constantly telling myself for He knows the plans He has for my life, constantly repeating do not worry, relax. Some days I float and some days I’m in deep deep waters.
Either way, I did not create the ocean, so I certainly wouldn’t be able to give it orders like where it should start or stop. I don’t know how deep it is nor could I name all its living things. As a human I only see what’s in front of me, I only understand the surface.
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